‘Good! That’s the behaviour we want!’.
Just look at this dog! Isn’t she wonderful?
Billie is a four-year-old Aylestone Bulldog and they have had her for six weeks. Previous to this she had been used as a breeding bitch and ended up in a shelter, so she probably didn’t have a very good life.
She certainly has a good life now.
Scared – attack may be the best form of defense
She has injuries on her legs which look very much like she’s been attacked or bullied by other dogs in her past life, so it’s no wonder she’s wary. Dogs that are scared, trapped on lead in particular, are very likely to take the approach that attack is the best form of defence.
In Billie’s case she will certainly also be picking up on the anxiety of her lady owner. Their previous rescue dog had escaped out the front and went for another dog, injuring it badly, and the poor lady witnessed this. Understandably, she’s not relaxed with Billie around other dogs and this message is sure to be passing down the lead. She is almost expecting him to attack or be attacked.
The walking equipment they use could be better. If more robust, it would help them to feel more confident. It would also help Billie to feel more comfortable.
Fallout from dreadful advice
With their previous dog they called out a member of the BarkBusters franchise and I don’t mind mentioning them by name because Billie’s humans have been taught by them.
BarkBuster’s system is one of terrorising a ‘disobedient’ dog. They advocate things like throwing chains on the floor in front of the already scared and reactive dog (something Billie’s people don’t do). The use ‘correction’ or spraying the dog with water when it’s not ‘behaving’. It’s not far short of asking the owners to attack their own dog.
This has made the situation far worse. If a dog is afraid, no amount of bullying will cure the fear. If it seems to work, then it is because the dog is terrorised and has shut down.
How can people be asked to do this to the dog they love? Owners can be so desperate for help that they put their trust in so-called ‘professionals’, but the bottom line is that there is no such thing as a quick fix. Someone said ‘quick fixes usually become unstuck’.
At present when poor Billie reacts to another dog. She will be feeling the tension of her nervous owner down the lead while she’s ‘corrected’. This will be uncomfortable on her neck, she will be told NO and may be sprayed with water. No wonder she is increasingly believing that other dogs mean trouble – because they do!
Attack them and they may go away.
With positive, reward-based and understanding methods they can turn things around for their beautiful dog.
We get a new puppy with the belief that it must fit in with our family life. He must learn what is acceptable right from the start.
What most people do is to try to teach the puppy what is NOT acceptable instead.
Cocker Spaniel Cookie is nine weeks old, and they have had him for just two days.
They have three very young children too. There are toys everywhere. The children have furry animal slippers. They run about and they make lots of exciting noise.
Imagine what a huge adjustment this is for a puppy, away from the only world he’s known.
Cookie gets excited and bites a child’s foot. Screams from a very upset child.
Dad goes ‘No No!’.
Cookie chews the carpet. ‘No No!’ A loud sound from a human. Or ‘Uh-Uh!’ It temporarily stops him. It’s possible he doesn’t even know the barking noise is aimed at him, but it’s very loud.
The most important message I can give this family in my first visit is to be creative. To find all sorts of ways of showing Cookie what he can do instead.
I showed them how to teach the puppy to come when called – for food. ‘Cookie-COME’ in a kind and bright voice. This then puts him on some sort of remote control unless, of course, he’s too aroused. Instead of ‘No No!’, they can call him away from what he’s doing and reward him for coming.
Then they can give him something else to do instead. It’s hard work and constant while puppy is awake.
The second important message is, when Cookie uses his teeth on something inappropriate, to keep showing him what he can chew. This means they need many more small and chewable objects to hand.
A puppy needs to chew.
They also need pockets full of tiny tasty rewards – to reinforce everything he does right and to reward him.
Cookie has run of the downstairs and the quite big garden. He charges around, chasing the children as he would other puppies. With space comes uncontrolled wildness.
Parents are continually having to rescue their children from a puppy hanging onto their clothes.
So, the third most important thing in this very first visit was to lend them a puppy pen. Having had complete freedom for a couple of days Cookie may object for a while of course. They can make the pen into a kind of wonderland with, for instance, lots of stuff from their recycle bin for him to chew and wreck.
This will be Cookie’s safe place. Children don’t go in there.
Even outside the pen, they should let sleeping dogs lie. This is hard with youngest not yet two years of old. Cookie needs protecting too. I suggested the little girl imagines Cookie, when asleep, is in a bubble. If she bursts it a horrid smell comes out. She drew me a picture.
One forgets how exhausting a tiny puppy can be.
I shall be going again in a few days when Cookie has had time to settle in. There is a lot to cover to make sure a puppy gets off to the very best start. We will be pre-empting possible future issues like resource guarding or separation problems.
They should be ‘socialising’ him to life outside – other dogs, cars, bicycles, people of all ages, shops and so on. This even before he has finished his injections because the earlier they do this the better. He’s so tiny they can carry him.
‘No No!’ is confusing. Correction and crossness can at best result in a puppy that is unmotivated to do what we want, scared of us even. At worst it can lead to confrontation or aggression. Focussing on trying to stop puppy doing puppy behaviours means everyone will be frustrated.
‘Yes Yes!’ is motivating. The puppy will want to please. Focussing on and reinforcing what puppy does right means everyone will be happy.
Chip was licking the baby’s face as she sat on the floor. Now that baby is becoming mobile, Chip is becoming increasingly troubled by her when she moves or makes a noise.
Her licking the baby is compulsive.
When baby is sitting on the floor at the same level as Chip, the dog simply can’t relax or leave her alone. There is no stillness or growling, simply concern. She keeps licking her face.
It doesn’t take a dog expert to read Chip’s worry in the photo as she watches the baby from the sofa.
A calm dog licking the baby in passing is very different to a seriously aroused dog repeatedly licking the baby on the face.
I’m sure the couple’s anxiety and constant necessary ‘nagging’ of Chip is contributing to the situation.
I immediately began calling Chip away from the baby, rewarding her for coming. Soon we introduced the clicker.
After a while Chip was just looking at the baby and voluntarily turning away – which we marked with a click and food.
However, stress builds up and Chip’s arousal level became such that she became increasingly slow in responding to being called away. She was snatching the food when she did come.
Well before things are able to get to this stage the two should be separated, but how?
The environment needs to be better managed.
There was nowhere to put dear little Chip apart from excluding her from the room behind a door.
Before the baby arrived, the four-year-old Jack Russell went everywhere with them. Their jobs involve touring and staying in different places. They always took Chip. She was given plenty of attention by all the people they met and loves people – if not so good with other dogs.
With the arrival of the baby a year ago, Chip’s life has been turned upside down. The couple are unable to enjoy her in the way they did and her own life is very different.
One simple thing can change Chip’s compulsively licking the baby. It will change everything. They will all be able to relax.
They will get a small dog pen.
Chip has been used to a pen from an early age when they travelled. They can put all her toys in it along with other special things for her to do and to chew. They can sprinkle her food in there.
Within the safety of the pen, they can build up strong and positive associations with the baby. Chip won’t have to be excluded.
It seems she feels possessive or protective of the baby. This is born out when other dogs approach the buggy – she does tend to guard things form other dogs.
Possibly some of the licking is about covering the frequently washed baby’s face with her own scent? That’s just a guess.
As baby gets even more mobile it’s important she’s unable to corner Chip who must always have a baby-proof bolt-hole. A pen can be opened out and adapted.
Chip’s signals of unease are very clear when you know what you’re looking for.
Baby was upstairs for a while and her crying came through the baby monitor. Chip licked her lips. Uneasy. Worried. This is an opportunity to give her a little bit of food. Every time she looks at the baby or hears her, they can pair it with food. She need not eat all her meals in bowls – her food can be used for something more useful for now.
Though they are able to give her quality time when the baby is in bed, Chip’s walks aren’t what they used to be. It’s hard to negotiate some of the best walks pushing a buggy and it’s also hard to beat a hasty retreat if a bouncy young dog comes running up, jumping all over her and around the buggy. Chip never has liked her space invaded by other dogs.
A positive approach by the couple, replacing scolding and anxiety when Chip is near the baby with reward and encouragement, should transform things.
Physical management is vital – the pen. I also suggest a soft harness and longish lead for when they are somewhere else. This way Chip can be comfortably restrained, called away from the baby, rewarded – and then gently kept away instead of constantly being watched.
With management in place they will be able to work on getting Chip happier and more relaxed around the baby. She should then also become less stressed in general.
Chip can get some of her old life back.
NB. For the sake of the story and for confidentiality also, this isn’t a complete ‘report’ with every detail, but I choose an angle with maybe a bit of poetic licence. The precise protocols to best use for your own dog may be different to the approaches I have worked out for Chip. Finding instructions on the internet or TV that are not tailored to your own dog can do more harm than good as the case needs to be assessed correctly. One size does not fit all so accurate assessment is important, particularly where babies or young children are concerned. Everything depends upon context. If you live in my own area I would be very pleased to help with strategies tailored to your own dog (see my Help page)
What exactly is punishment?
This is not the place to get all technical with semantics and the definitions of punishment. It’s enough to say here that it’s anything the dog doesn’t like, done by us, in order to stop him doing something we don’t want him to do – correction.
Punishment doesn’t have to be wielded with obvious things like a stick, shock collar, water spray or shouting. To a sensitive dog, a warning tone of voice or even a certain look could be punishment. Some might say that psychological punishment is worse than physical punishment, anyway.
Basically, anything imposed on the dog that he doesn’t like, is, to that particular dog, punishment. Being thrown into the river would be traumatic for one of my dogs but heaven to my Cocker Spaniel!
In the case of delightful Collie Staffie cross Banjo, there are things that his humans would never have regarded as ‘punishment’ at all which have been punishing to Banjo. They love him dearly and would never hurt him.
Why is it that today, despite all the evidence, many people still reject the regular use of food for reinforcement when getting their dogs to do what they want and still rely on correction?
One problem with anything aversive is that it can contaminate other things present at the time – or things the dog may associate with the scary event.
Here an illustration of this – not related to Banjo. A wellington boot is dropped by mistake or thrown in anger, scaring the dog; he could then become frightened of all wellington boots, or of anything dropped or thrown, or of the room it happened in, or the washing machine which happened to be on at the time or even of anybody wearing wellington boots.
People can be surprised when they realise something they do is, in fact, punishment
Surely punishing a dog would be something physical – or at the very least, shouting?
‘Punishment’ can be a lot more subtle and the fallout from subtle things that are aversive can be a loss of confidence in general.
Using positive, reward-based and force-free methods doesn’t mean we have a dog without boundaries that can run wild. It just means that the dog learns to enjoy the behaviour that we want because it works best for him, rather than just hitting upon the desired behaviour because it’s the one that doesn’t lead to unpleasant consequences.
Three-year-old Banjo comes over as a rather worried dog. He is easily effected by the emotions of his humans and it’s quite a volatile household with the lady and her two adult sons. Each one is different with Banjo. One son is the disciplinarian and has done a great job with teaching him training tricks, the other son is more sensitive and probably less consistent, and the lady is a pushover! They find it hard to agree on how to treat the dog and this predictably leads to disputes.
One can imagine how this can be confusing to a dog, particular one that doesn’t like raised voices.
Banjo is generally obedient but rewards are seldom used. He is taught to avoid the consequences of being disobedient and even though few dog owners would class these consequences as ‘punishment’, to Banjo they can be.
Of late the young man has introduced ‘time-out’ when Banjo does something unwanted or doesn’t do something he is told to do. Are we sure that Banjo actually knows what it is that he shouldn’t be doing? The man counts down “3-2-1” and then Banjo is shut in the porch.
Apart from learning that the countdown ends up with his being sent to the porch, I doubt whether Banjo always knows why – or is actually learning what he should be doing. Because the counting will sound threatening, he will no doubt stop anything he happens to be doing whatever it is; the counting alone will have quite a high ‘punishment rating’ to a dog like Banjo.
One of the probable fallouts from this ‘time-out’ process is this: Banjo has become scared when the younger brother comes home from work and initially runs and hides. He then behaves in an appeasing manner before settling back to his normal friendly and excitable self. My guess is it’s because he has been on imposed ‘time-outs’ in the porch on one or two occasions when the young man has came in through the front door from work. Negative associations.
Punishment or correction can seem to come from nowhere – out of the blue.
How do we feel when with an unpredictable person who is loving one minute and angry with us the next? I have lived with someone like this and it’s like treading on eggshells and you can’t relax. (Take another look at my favourite video – the poor man doesn’t know when the next punishment is coming or what it’s for).
There is another more obvious example where fallout of punishment (which they may not have regarded as punishment) has affected Banjo. It is probably responsible for his more recent wariness of children.
A young child and her mother came to stay with them for a few days over Christmas. Banjo seemed fine with the child initially – if he was uneasy they didn’t read the signs. The child wasn’t actively supervised all the time and would be pestering him. Banjo growled. Everyone reacted angrily and Banjo would have been frightened.
The dog will not have understood why, despite all his polite warnings, he was eventually forced to growl in order to protect himself. The result, to him, was his humans suddenly acted irrationally and in a way that scared him.
It’s not a big step to conclude that his fear of children approaching him when they are out since this episode is fallout from this ‘punishment’. He has built up a negative association.
They had Banjo from eight weeks of age, and very early on one of the adult sons played light-chasing games. He still regularly ‘entertains’ Banjo by nudging the lampshade to make shadows dance around the walls and floor. Each time someone picks up their mobile phone the dog starts looking for a light to chase, as a mobile phone light has been used for chasing games.
It’s such a shame. Sensitive dogs so quickly get OCD-type obsessions.
The young men will now do all they can to avoid light chasing games and anything else that stirs up their sensitive dog or scares him.
With a more positive and consistent approach by his humans, with all three ‘drinking from the same water bowl’ so that they become more predictable, Banjo is sure to become more confident. More confidence will affect his whole life, particularly when out on walks.
NB. For the sake of the story and for confidentiality also, this isn’t a complete ‘report’ with every detail, but I choose an angle. The precise protocols to best use for your own dog may be different to the approach I have worked out for Banjo. Finding instructions on the internet or TV that are not tailored to your own dog can do more harm than good as the case needs to be assessed correctly. One size does not fit all so accurate assessment is important. If you live in my own area I would be very pleased to help with strategies specific to your own dog (see my Get Help page)
If he doesn’t get the attention he wants he may either bark, or go on the rampage, tearing about from room to room and all over the forbidden furniture. If he is thwarted or disciplined, he may leap up and nip quite roughly in a way one could almost call biting.
His digging in the garden is driving them mad also.
It’s hard not to treat life with an adolescent dog such as Sam like some sort of battle. He is non-stop throwing things at them that they have to ‘stop’ him doing. Our own emotions get in the way as we become increasingly exasperated. We believe that we should be ‘disciplining and controlling’ the dog. This makes him defiant. Confrontational or dominant behaviour from the humans is a slippery slope that too often ends badly.
After about ten minutes of countering his jumping up until he had stopped (as with most dogs that jump up, if the usual pushing them and telling them to get down actually worked they wouldn’t be jumping up anymore), I tried to sit down, but he was on the go all the time and we couldn’t get on. I had a deer antler chew in my bag and gave it to him. He chewed frantically on this for the next two and a half hours with barely a break.
If any dog needs a way to unwind, it’s Sam.
I suspect that some of his highly strung nature is genetic, but they are unwittingly responding in such a way that makes him worse.
When he is quiet they are understandably so thankful that they leave him be, so he only gets attention when he is ‘naughty’ so the undesirable behaviour is constantly reinforced.
LIke most responsible dog owners, they feel they must ‘control’ him, but what Sam totally lacks is self control. In order to control him they have become angry. They do this not because they don’t love him – they do, but because they are at their wits’ end with his behaviour.
The first thing they need to do is to completely change things about so that they are watching out for Sam being good, not bad. When you look for good you find there is a lot more of it than you had realised! Each even short moment of calm or self-control should be rewarded – he can earn some of his daily food this way.
Not much can be done until he’s less hyper and frustrated, so he needs proper stimulation of a healthy kind. The days and evenings should be punctuated with the sort of activities that don’t hype him up or make him frustrated, like short sniff walks, hunting games, foraging for food, gentle training games, brief ball play or tuggy and so on. They should only be initiated when Sam is calm and quiet – never as a result of his demanding behaviours.
The gentleman walks him daily on a short lead – and this is ‘power walking’ to keep himself fit. When he comes home Sam is still in an aroused state, not as satisfied as a dog should be after a nice walk and still needing to unwind. On a couple of occasions during the walk he has suddenly leapt at the man and bitten him quite hard. A little clue that this kind of walk not being quite what Sam needs is that he is less keen on the outward journey and he only pulls on the way back home which is unusual.
For the walk to be beneficial to Sam, I suggest the man stops for several five-minute breaks when he can lengthen the lead so that Sam can sniff and do his own thing for a while.
It’s hard, but with some imagination they need to treat every thing Sam does ‘wrong’ as having in it the seed of an idea for something good.
For instance, if he jumps on the sofa (which is out of bounds), the man currently pushes him off and is cross, so there is a stand-off where Sam then may stand and bark at him or may even fly at him. Then it is battle stations. But this can be done differently. The man can stand up, go to Sam’s bed and call him off the sofa and to his own bed, and when he gets there ask him to lie down and reward him. He can them give him a bit of quality time teaching him to stay. When the man goes and sits down again Sam will undoubtedly go back and jump on the sofa again, so patience is needed. The third time Sam can be put in the kitchen for a few minutes – but with something to chew or do – it’s not punishment. It’s to allow him to calm down.
Another example of an unwanted behaviour having in it the seed of a better idea is the digging in the garden (no pun intended). They can get a child’s covered sandpit and bury toys in it. If he starts to dig the earth, they can direct him to the sandpit, perhaps burying something new in there for him to find. If he keeps going back and they repeatedly have to say ‘don’t dig there – dig here instead’, instead of getting cross they can either bring him in or have a tie-out cable to fix him to for a short while so he simply can’t do it.
Being positive doesn’t mean being permissive. Boundaries can be introduced and maintained kindly.
Based on how frantically he chewed that bone, Sam needs chewables at the ready for times when he’s particularly stressed – something for him to redirect all that boredom and frustration onto.
With imagination, patience and foresight, frantic sessions can mostly be preempted. Doors can be shut, routines can be changed, the dog can be given a rummage box full of rubbish to ‘attack’ and so on.
If everything is done calmly and kindly, if he is recognised and rewarded for all the good things he does, and if a sense of humour can be mustered, Sam will become a lot more cooperative.
It takes time, patience and imagination but the eventual rewards in terms of their relationship with their lovely dog will be immeasurable.
NB. For the sake of the story and for confidentiality also, this isn’t a complete ‘report’ with every detail, but I choose an angle. The precise protocols to best use for your own dog may be different to the approach I have worked out for Sam. Finding instructions on the internet or TV that are not tailored to your own dog can do more harm than good particularly in cases involving potential aggression. One size does not fit all. If you live in my own area I would be very pleased to help with strategies specific to your own dog (see my Get Help page).
Suddenly a large fly was buzzing around the room and Jasper lost it! He barked, flew all over the place and jumped at us all.
When the lady goes to open the window to let a fly out he has a panic attack – after barking and leaping about, he jumps up onto the sofa, eyes darting, drooling.
It is the opening of windows that seems to be causing Jasper’s distress. It may be the noise, it may be reflections – perhaps both.
He is somewhat obsessive with shadows and flies, but knowing that a buzzing fly is usually followed by the window being opened to let it out is what really sets him off.
I demonstrated how to begin to desensitise him to the window opening, expecting it to be a slow and gradual process. However, this evening, a few hours later and to my great surprise, I received this: ‘We have already been able to open and close the windows in the living room and kitchen without a peep from Jasper!’
Border Collie Jasper is 18-months old and lives with a young lady and her mother. The young girl has worked really hard and done a wonderful job with him. He was well socialised right from the start and she has spent time, love and effort training him.
Jasper and Pixie
Recently they got 8-month-old Pixie, the most tiny Chihuahua Yorkie cross you have ever seen and who is quite a barker. This will be influencing Jasper. The two are kept apart much of the time for fear of the little one getting hurt, but for the few minutes I saw them together Jasper was wonderful. He lay down so Pixie could get to him – it’s Pixie who is the rough one!
Jasper just needs a bit more mental stimulation and a bit less stressful stimulation – it is a fine line. Too much ball throwing on walks is seldom a good thing – he needs to sniff, wander and explore.
I demonstrated how relaxed and settled he became after about fifteen minutes of using his wonderful brain and clicker. We worked on a strategy to divert him from obsessing on shadows.
Where Jasper is fine with other dogs when he is off lead, he’s not so good on lead – and he is a big puller.
The young lady will now be using wholly positive techniques to get her lovely dog to walk near her because he wants to and not because he has to. She also now knows how to work on his fears when, trapped on lead, he sees another dog.
NB. The precise protocols to best use for your own dog may be different to the approach I have worked out for Jasper, which is why I don’t go into all exact details here of our plan. Finding instructions on the internet or TV that are not tailored to your own dogs can do more harm than good. One size does not fit all. If you live in my own area I would be very pleased to help with strategies specific to your own dogs (see my Get Help page).
From the start, Lola’s lovely people have been soaking up information on the positive way to bring up a puppy. They knew how important it was that she should be introduced to all sorts of people, dogs, traffic, machinery and places in the first few weeks they had her – before the fear period kicked in. They really couldn’t have done more.
They are taking their role of ‘dog parents’ very seriously. The lady has taught her a lot of things – all through reward-based methods and encouragement.
So I find it really sad now because, due to a build up of circumstances and unforeseen happenings at just the wrong time in her development, she is becoming a fearful puppy.
About four weeks ago she went to a different doggy daycare for a week. It is possible (this is guesswork) that she may have been intimidated in an over-stimulating environment with uncontrolled play, because this is when the change in her began. The next week the couple took her away for a week in a hotel by the sea and she was growling at people as they came into the room – very unlike the seemingly confident and friendly puppy they had had only a week or so previously.
Then, back home, a bus pulled up right beside them, air brakes hissing. Lola was terrified.
The last straw was the other day. She was quietly asleep in the back room when family with children arrived. One child ran straight through and rattled the crate while she slept. Lola barked frantically. All the time these visitors were there little Lola was pacing, anxious, and appealing for reassurance.
Early experiences are so important. Bad things can have a much more lasting impact than good things. Now, before walks when the lead comes out Lola backs away or rolls onto her back. When out, she is terrifed of any fast or large traffic.
She has also started barking at people who enter her house – especially it they appear suddenly. She is a sensitive pup and needs to feel secure in her own people to look after her and to associate people walking into her home with calm and with good things.
It is fortunate that they live down a quiet road – but with a very busy road at the end. They can work on getting her happy to go out and desensiting her to traffic and buses from a distance where she feels safe. It needs working on before the problem gets any worse.
It seems unfair. We all know dogs where the owners have put in very little effort and somehow everything goes fine.
I went to see Dandy, a Puggle (Pug Beagle cross) back in January, and because things were not going well I visited again yesterday. Due to his excess excitement they still felt unable to walk him out beyond their large garden. I knew as soon as I walked in and he was jumping excitedly up at me and on the lady, that they had not been following my instructions.
Dandy is easily stirred up when there are several people about, most especially the children and their friends, and commands and frustration hype him up further. He is very receptive to atmosphere.
The gentleman had a labrador as a child and his memory was of a large placid dog that calmly fitted in with everything the family wanted to do. Dandy is himself and can never be changed into something he’s not, and trying to supress his enthusiastic personality is in my mind making him ten times worse.
Little Dandy has absolutely no vices in my eyes! He is gentle, never aggressive, and biddable. He is a wonderful little character and if he were my dog I would find him great fun. He is very receptive if treated kindly. I hope they now try to help him out a little more and ease off. Allow him to have scatty times within reason and be himself. I found that by giving him positive encouragement we were out walking on the pavement in no time. He kept grabbing the lead, and I taught him kindly ‘drop’ it using tiny rewards.
This was fairly typical of a repeat visit to someone who is not doing well – in that the careful plan I had devised for them simply wasn’t being followed. They had their own ideas. I may be big-headed in saying that I probably know best! Having been to nearly nine hundred clients which means thousands of dogs, I have seen countless successes with owners taking their time, using patience and positive reinforcement. Little Dandy is only playing the cards he’s been dealt by the humans around him. Even after my efforts I’m still not sure the gentleman appreciates that we owe it to our dog to consider his doggy needs; he believes it is all about the dog fitting in with all their requirements. I remember as a teenager saying to my father after a row, ‘Well, you didn’t have to have me!’ If Dandy could speak, he may be saying the same thing.
The bottom line here is that they don’t actually seem to be enjoying their little dog. The couple don’t ‘drink from the same water bowl’ where he is concerned and it is causing conflict between them. This is adding more tension to the atmosphere which is effecting Dandy’s behaviour. I suggested they sat down over a bottle of wine and listed all his good points. To work at finding pleasure in him and treating his antics with a sense of humour. As in my previous post, to give him the sort of parenting they give to their children.